Kids

The kids have been sick this week, especially Little Lady. Up all night coughing, crying and a nose running down to her chin. Poor baby girl.

After she had a banana this morning she cried and went right back to bed. Slept for 3 hours and I took that time to clean.

I cleaned everything. I feel as if I'm trying to show the husband how much I do around here. Last ditch effort to not have to go to work. It's so hard to go back to work after not working for 4 years. I'm having tremendous anxiety about the whole situation. How is this going to be something normal for me?

I don't mind working, but I do a lot around here that it feels like only I can and will do. Like the scrubbing the bathroom spotless and washing sheets. Organizing, making appointments. If I go to work that is roughly 10-15 hours that those things are not getting done.

We'll see. Maybe the husband will actually step it up.

I'm writing all this because after a while of cleaning and my second shift at work coming up tomorrow I just don't know if I can do it.

Life

Life the last month or so has been really overwhelming. I feel as if I don't have a minute to step back and breath. Even when I actually do. I don't know how to utilize my time or how to keep it together. This quarter has been way too much for me to handle. And the husband wants to do this again next quarter.

What is going on that is causing us to be so busy? Well the hubs and I are both in school. He is/was working full time. The son is in school and has multiple appointments. I just got a job. Writing it down it doesn't sound like that much, but it really is. The hubs is home for an hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. He works 10 hours on those days, comes home and showers and then goes to school for 5 hours. Tuesday and Thursday I have 5 hours of class. I start my job tomorrow and I will be going in after work. Z has appointments and school throughout the week. Then Saturday and Sunday the hubs works another 10 hours each. All this time one of us is withe kids. It's a lot of back and forth. And then trying to find time to do school work? I just can't do it. I'm tired.

A lot of it is that I'm still depressed. I don't know if I ever have not been depressed. At least it certainly feels that way.

There are so many other things going on that I'm stressed about. Little Lady is going in for another speech therapy appointment in the beginning of March. One more thing to deal with.

Is it us as parents that suck? Are we failing our kids? Why is it that they have both had speech delays? Why is one of my kids autistic? I really have tried my absolute hardest. I have done everything I can for my kids. I have been here. D has worked two jobs for most of the kids life trying to support us. We don't get to go out and do most things people our age do, and we hardly complain about it. We work hard. D with an actual paying job and me with the kids. I just get so angry some times.

I really feel like we try hard and definitely harder than some parents and yet they have kids that are developmentally fine. It doesn't seem quite fair. We have really tried to be here and raise our kids ourselves.

What a downer I am tonight. I have a paper to work on, so I better hope to.

Overwhelming

Well 2010 has come to an end and 2011 is here. I'm not normally big into making a big deal out of a year change, but this year feels slightly different. A little recap.

In the beginning of 2010 we had a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old. Husband was working two jobs and I went back to school for 10 credits online. We were planning a move, we just didn't know when or where. Around April I decided not to go back to school, we took Z to the doctor, got him an appointment with a psychologist and then a speech therapist, we found a place to move and moved, D quit one of his two jobs and then started another. July Z turned 3. August Z was diagnosed with Autism, D turned 25 and quit one of his jobs without having another. September Z starts going to school. October is our 3rd marriage anniversary, D and I decided we are both going back to school. November Z is FINALLY ready to be potty trained and we spent the next month working on it with him! Little Lady turned ONE in December and then there was the whole Christmas and family thing.

It feels like a busy year. 4 1/2 months after Z's Autism diagnosis I went to see the pediatrician. We discussed additional therapies for Z and possible genetic testing. Z's selective eating disorder has gotten worse and we have an appointment early February for him to see a speech therapist that specializes in eating. We also have a referral for OT and PT for him to manage coping behaviors and maybe work on some of his fine motor skills. School is helping him with his social skills and he really has fun there. Overall I feel like he is doing really well.

Often when some people meet him and they find out that he has autism they are like, "Really?!" Or something along those lines. I know it's supposed to be a compliment, but it kind of irritates me. It's completely irrational, but when they say that he doesn't seem Autistic I feel as if they are accusing me of lying. Trying to find an excuse or something. I know this is crazy which is why I quickly squash that feeling. I know there are times where he seems VERY Autistic. I also remind myself that the psychologist was the one who determined it after spending time with Z.

There is so much going on in our lives right now. School for Z, speech therapy for Z, possibly starting new therapies for Z, D is starting school on Monday, I am starting school on Tuesday and D is still working full time.

Our schedule will look something like D: S,S,M,W work from 5am to 3pm. M,W school from 5pm to 10pm. I will have school T,TH 10am to 2:30pm. Z has school M-Th 8:45-11:45 and T Speech at 1:30. Sprinkle in other appointments and study time and we are a busy family this next quarter.

2011 will hopefully be the year that D and I get our stuff together. Hopefully he does well in school and can find a good job coming out of it. Hopefully I graduate with my AA next quarter and can get accepted into UW. Hopefully we can keep our kids happy and safe. I hope to be a better mom and also to learn to cook a little bit better. I want to make a friend or two that doesn't mind hanging out with me, kids and all! And most of all I just want a freaking mani-pedi! I guess it's my fault for not telling anyone, but all I really wanted for Christmas was some pampering. A manicure and pedicure for sure, maybe a nice haircut and an eyebrow wax. Maybe this year? Who knows.

I hope this year holds many new things for us. I hope that all the chaos of next quarter will pay off in the end.

It's been awhile

I don't know where I left off last, I know I could check, but I have few precious minutes to type now.

I am pretty sure I have blogged since little man turned 3 and was soon after diagnosed with Autism. Little Lady is still tiny, but making a lot of progress. Took her first steps not too long ago and now we are trying to coax her into actually walking. She is babbling and starting to say Mama to just about everyone. But when you say Dada or Mama she looks at the correct parent. She seems on target developmentally, but after Z it's hard to be at ease.

Z started Developmental Preschool and is making friends and loves it there! He can't wait to go most days and it's a great break for me and the little one. Another great update with Z is that when we started Speech Therapy in late April he was basically considered non-verbal. She was not able to finish the evaluation on him and he was hardly talking. She tested him again in September and he was at the 50th percentile for his age. He's talking a lot more and we are understanding what he says more. He hasn't been in occupational therapy since this summer. The school doesn't think he needs it right now, but I may get some OT for him outside the school. It seemed beneficial when we were doing it.

We are still cloth diapering for the most part. While I am quick to grab for a disposable (yes we still buy those vile things :) ) the husband will pretty much always grab for cloth. If only I could be more motivated. Then again I do make almost all the Little Lady's food from scratch, and she eats A LOT.

I miss updating more often. My computer broke and since we don't have the money to fix or replace it I've been using my iPhone and occasionally the husbands computer. I will try to get on here more because it sure feels nice to write again.

6 Months

My Little Lady is 6 months today! While it feels as if we've had her forever, I also can't believe how time has flown.

I remember holding her for the first time, just moments after she was born, and feeling like my family was complete. I have my husband, my beautiful, special son and my angelic daughter.

My mom often told me I was her pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or something equally sweet but cheesy. My mom had 4 kids, I was the last. Two of my older siblings were particularly challenging. According to my mom I rarely cried. I was easy going and just a pleasant baby and child. Well Little Lady is to me what I was to my mom.

Kind of.

Little Lady likes to be held. A LOT. She gets upset being put down. Not to mention she still isn't sleeping through the night regularly. But it is all worth it. Just looking at her can make me feel better.

And when I feel like I want another kid? Morning comes and the kids wake up and then I realize I couldn't handle another. But damnit I love the ones I have!

Little Lady

I realize I've been talking about little Z a lot lately. So now it's Little Lady's turn!

Little Lady is 5 months today. It's so funny how time goes by. While I feel like she's been here forever it's also hard to imagine that it's been 5 months already.

Little Lady has been doing great. She was weighed about 2 weeks ago and she weighed about 12 1/2 pounds. She's still exclusively breastfed and petite.

She was rolling back and forth last night for the first time. It's so cute when she is on her tummy and she's trying so hard to crawl and get something, but she rolls over because she can't crawl. Normally once she rolls on her back she's stuck but last night she finally made it back to her tummy!

It is so amazing to watch the things that she does every day... Hell, every hour!

The other day she was playing fire trucks with her brother. He didn't really want to play with her, but he tolerated it. She couldn't do much more than kind of pull the fire truck back and forth and try to eat it, but she seemed to have fun playing with Z.

She is still sleeping in her bedside co-sleeper. Though she thinks that our bed is her bed. I've given up and let her take naps in our bed. Last night she didn't wake us up so she could eat and get in our bed. She has phases of sleeping through the night and not sleeping through the night.

Another cute little thing she is she seems to know that when I pull my boob out food is coming. Sometimes D will bring her to me when she's hungry, she'll see me pulling my boob out and stop crying. She'll just sit there and stare, as long as it doesn't take too long!

All in all she is happy and healthy and a complete joy. I just love having her! I can't believe it's only been 5 months.

Where did I go wrong?

I'm feeling pretty stressed about little Z today. Yesterday he had speech therapy and it went great until the end. When it was time to clean up and say goodbye to H he had a melt down. We got in the car and he kicked Little Lady. We spent about 10 or so minutes in the parking garage trying to calm him down!

I feel like I just don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to get him the help he needs. He has play therapy and speech therapy. I've been calling ever so often trying to get him an assessment so I can get him in a preschool. I just don't know what more to do!

And to top that off I feel guilty. I don't know where everything went wrong. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to do everything I could.

I didn't smoke, drink or have caffeine while pregnant.

When he was born I breastfed until he was about 5 months.

I only gave him organic food until very recently. Even now he mostly eats organic.

I kept him away from BPA, phthalates and PVC as much as possible.

I stayed home with him so that we wouldn't have to send him to daycare.

I just tried to protect him from what I thought could be hazardous to him and his development mentally and physically.

I'm so frustrated. Z doesn't deserve this. He is a sweet boy despite it all. A happy kid and he just seems to really love life. But he has problems and I want to fix him and I can't do it. I can't make him all better.

Because of that every day is a challenge for everyone in this family. We have to worry about simple things like taking him to the grocery store or on walks. Or worry about what is going to happen if we tell him no.

I'm emotionally drained from this. I am so thankful that he only has a developmental delay instead of something like autism. I know it could be worse. But it could also be so much better. It doesn't matter that he isn't autistic, because people are constantly assuming he is anyways.

I hope that one day we will be able to look back on this and be proud that we were able to overcome this struggle. In the meantime I just need to keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Little Z

We signed the papers in March to move in to our new place at the end of April. Since then things have been pretty crazy around here.

Z's behavior got better for awhile. Then it got worse. We took him to the doctor on April 7 and discussed behavior. No diagnosis, but a referral to a child psychologist. We got him in 2 weeks later and met with Dr J.

Dr. J was a nice guy and Z seemed to really like him. Or his toys at least. Dr. J noticed Z seems to have a hard time comprehending speech as well as speaking. e were then recommended to call a speech therapist and told to come back in about a month.

On to the speech therapist. We got into the speech therapist 6 days later. That appointment went really well. The speech therapist, H, thinks that Z should only need about 2 months of once a week therapy. So we start therapy Tuesday and have an appointment every Tuesday for the next couple of months.

It's all been an adventure. I'm glad we are getting him help. I've also been trying to find Z a pre-school. I want him to go to one with kids with special needs and typically developing kids. There are a few here, but I know the one I really want is full. So my next step is trying to find someone to assess him and place him in a school. Last 2 weeks I've been taking a few days a week and a few hours a day and calling anyone I can to help. I keep getting passed on to the next person and back and forth. I know I will find someone eventually and I will get him in and he will get the help he needs.

In the meantime we just need to keep loving him and trying to keep our patience. But most days the patience thing is very hard.

My Monster

I've been in a fairly foul mood lately, too foul, I thought, to blog. I've changed my mind. I think blogging may help my mood. So where to start...

I haven't talked too much about Monster on here. I don't call him Monster because of his behavior. He really likes monsters. The cute Monsters Inc. kind of monsters. Anyways. I love my Monster boy and he can be incredibly sweet, but there is another side of him when things aren't going his way and he snaps. The screaming, the kicking, the hitting and did I mention the screaming. I can barely take him out in public anymore because it seems like ever outing ends or starts with a major meltdown. Now I know it's the terrible twos but that doesn't seem entirely normal. While I know I probably aided in this behavior I don't think it's entirely my fault. But who is to know...

I finally broke down and made a doctors appointment for him this week. I don't know exactly what I'm hoping for, but I do know I need help. Maybe even if the doctor can tell me what sort of things I could have done to trigger this behavior or something that could have triggered this. Anything. At this point I'm at a loss. I've also talked to someone about getting him and I into counseling to discuss ways for me to handle his behavior and how to make it better. Kind of like Super Nanny without the whole nation watching.

I guess that is something I will have more to talk about in a few weeks when we've seen the doctor and actually gotten him enrolled in counseling. Hopefully I won't make the same mistakes in parenting Little Lady. I don't think I will. They are so different I don't expect her to be much of a problem. She's usually so happy. Although much like her brother, when she is mad she is REALLY mad. Parenting really is a constant learning experience.

In fact the term "new parent" really shouldn't be used for first time parents. If you think about it we are always new at something. While I may have parented a 3 month old before I've never parented a 3 month old and a two year old at the same time. Nor have I ever parented a two year old before. When he turns 3 I will be new at parenting a 3 year old. And on and on it goes. We are always learning something as parents.

In other news, we signed the lease on that apartment in the aforementioned post. It's a year lease starting on May 1st. It's exciting to think of all the first my family will have there. It will probably be the first place Little Lady crawls, the first place she walks, the first place I get little Monster ready for preschool or a soccer game. We are still so new at this family thing we have so many things a head of us. It is such an exciting adventure. I love my kids and my husband so much. I can't wait for the things to come in my marriage and with my children. I will happily take all the bad because it makes the good so much better.

Much like Little Lady's screaming colic time. Without that I don't think I would appreciate her smiles or coos half as much. Or Monster's hugs. I adore when he hugs and kisses me at night. It can melt the whole awful day away. I love when I'll be holding Little Lady and Monster will come and crawl in my lap too. There really is nothing like holding both of my kids close. I only have a limited time to do so, so I better make the most of it.

Giveaway

There is a great giveaway going on over here

I love their blog have have been reading it since the beginning. I'm really excited about their book and I'm hoping my library gets it in. If not I may ask for it for my birthday which is coming up in a week.

Is Two Twice the Work?

Monster was really acting up today. My final days of the quarter have really been tough on him. All my attention and D's attention has been focused on getting me to pass the quarter and on the Little Miss who is completely helpless. So today Monster = big stinker. In fact he did something that was very not cool, but led to a sweet event.

Let me explain. I was in the living room and D had both kids in the room watching the health care debate. All of a sudden I hear all three of them yelling and some stomping around. Turns out somehow Monster had gotten D's watch and for some reason or another threw it. The watch ended up hitting Little Miss in the chest, eliciting screams, which D said he was sure it was more from surprise than pain. So D put Monster in his crib and came back to comfort Little Miss. In I come after talking to Monster and Little Miss reached for me!!! D said he thought it was coincidence at first, but then she clung to me, and he was sure she was actually wanting me. It was just so amazing, my little girl reached out for me because she wanted ME!

It is just so surprising. I remember Monster was about her age when he started preferring me, but she is nothing like him I forgot. I was also formula feeding him about half the time at this age, and always just assumed that's why he was clinging to me. Little Miss and Monster (who from here on out may also be referred to as Z) are such different people and kids. They have completely different temperaments.

I remember Z was a mostly happy baby, but not too happy. But he had a temper. When he was mad, he was REALLY mad. Much like Z, Little Miss also has a temper. She lets you know when she is angry. But when she is happy she is really happy. Smiling, laughing and constantly cooing. I love changing her diaper just because it makes her so happy. She starts laughing and smiling and cooing like crazy. It's adorable. Z didn't coo too much at this age. He was an observer. Little Miss observes, but joins in on the conversation. I knew they would be different, but I guess I just didn't know what to expect. I also didn't expect them both to like each other so much.

I adore how much they like each other. If Z is in a full blown fit and we're at home I can usually distract him by getting his attention focused on Little Miss. And sometimes the reverse is true. Sometimes she'll sit wherever she is (our laps, the Bumbo, her swing or laying on the floor) and just watch Z run around. She'll smile and laugh as she watches him. It's times like that that really make the hard parts worth it. I feel confident that while there may be a few episodes like today's "watch" ordeal there will be many more pleasant times because of how much they seem to enjoy each other. And for that I feel so lucky. Maybe two won't be SO hard after all. :D

Baby Carriers

I am obsessed with baby carriers. I have a bad back and when I had my son I was always in search of the perfect carrier. I had even given up on baby wearing for a few months after he was born. I tried many and FINALLY found one I was content with. The Beco Butterfly. I loved the carrier. I still love it, but I discovered a carrier called the Boba today and I'm not feeling so content anymore. I want a carrier that goes higher up in the back for my son. He is ALWAYS struggling. One day I had him on my back and my daughter in the Moby and a saleslady was so worried he was just going to flip over the top. While I was feeling like he wasn't going to, I did not like the struggling feeling.

I love my Beco for my daughter. Just stick her in the infant insert and I can wear her for hours. Same with the Moby. I need to remind myself how awesome the Beco is and how it will still work for my son. I feel like the Beco doesn't get much love. Everyone is all about the Ergo. I can't say I know too much about the Ergo. I only wore it once, but in my experience the Beco was better for my back. I liked that I didn't need a waist extension with the Beco (yep I'm a big girl). Plus it comes with the infant insert. No shelling out an extra $30 on top of the $110+. I also feel like the Beco insert is safer, but that's just my feeling. I like that the Beco is good for "new" carriers like myself. I don't have to worry about my son falling out if I unstrap the bottom. Which I do sometimes to distribute weight. I also like the ease of putting him on my back. No worrying he's going to fall. With the Boba I would have to learn to do all that. While the Beco isn't perfect I could sing it's praises all night. It got me back into baby wearing and I love carrying each and both of my children in it.

So while the Boba would be nice for my son I don't have endless money to go out and buy one. So I MUST stay content with my Beco!

Moving

We've kind of had it with the apartments we are living in. We have been looking at moving the last week or so, but only seen one place. The place we've looked at has a lot of pros and cons. We haven't been able to get into any other place that we want to see.

Pros:
-has a "garage" that my car can fit in. Right now the car the kids' carseats are in has to park a block a way and I have to take them both back to the house and hope little man doesn't get loose.
-has a storage space for extra things downstairs.
-has a place to lock bikes up. We had our current bikes locked up to a tree with a tarp, this will be a huge improvement.
-has an elevator. No more trying to get down 14 stairs while trying to hold onto both kids.
-The kitchen space is better laid out. No more eating over the carpeted area
-I like the living room layout.
-The shared hallways seem cleaner than our current one.
-There is a linen closet
-It's a block away
-The ceiling is falling in. Our ceiling has already fallen in and been replaced 2 times in the last 9 months.

Cons:
-There is no "coat closet" or a "broom closet" or anywhere to put tall items.
-The rooms are SMALL. The rooms in our current location are very big. So going to rooms that are even smaller than standard size could pose a problem
-The bathroom is small! No place for hampers or anything extra.
-While this seems like a silly con The room with the tv will not have a cable hook up. I love watching my morning shows in peace.
-Not many kids in the building. I'm more worried about the noise factor with our kids. Currently there aren't kids in our building, but there are a lot of younger people who are loud.
-No balcony. We don't currently have one either, and that's why I really want one. I want a place to put some plants and a place to sun bleach my cloth diapers. And just a place to step outside.
-The rent is a little bit more than what we are currently paying.

So there you have it. The pros and cons. There is this other place that we are looking at, but they keep canceling our appointment. It's in a different area, but it has things like 2 bathrooms and a balcony. They are replacing everything in this apartment and I like the idea of everything being new. Whatever we decide we will be stuck there for a year.

Cloth Diapering

So I got the brilliant idea when Little Miss was born that I wanted to cloth diaper. I had done some with my son, but stopped once he grew out of it. He used AIOs and at the time it was a lot of work and ickyness. I've always liked the idea of cloth diapering, but could never commit.

After looking into it more I decided I was going to give it a go. Okay, I wish I could say that's what really got me started. What REALLY got me started was finding Gro Baby diapers. I saw them on a blog and thought they were just the cutest things in the world. I HAD to have them, my little girl HAD to have them. I talked to the hubs about it and he was skeptical because he knows me and he knows I get really gung ho about something and then it is either a huge start up cost and I don't follow through, or I just don't follow through. Lucky for me he has a hard time saying no to me. I read a lot about cloth diapers, we both try to be as eco-minded as possible. For some reason we really love our disposables. We use the Seventh Generation, but we know it doesn't make up for space in the land fill. Mostly it's because of our son's skin. *Back to the point* I read more about diapers and really felt I needed to do this. We got a lot of different size disposables for my baby shower, so we finally decided that we would cloth diaper during the day and use her disposables on trips and overnight.

After all that we had to discuss how many we were going to get. We have a few AIOs left over from little boy, but they aren't one size and they won't fit her now. I was really set on the Gro Baby diapers. So we agreed to get the sample pack containing two and go from there. I knew that they two diapers wouldn't be enough for a day, but couldn't stand paying that much for diapers if we didn't like them. I had heard a lot about the Flip system and wanted to give that a go. So we decided to buy a day pack of Flip and a sample pack of the Gro Baby.
After all that they FINALLY got here. (I had ordered them 2 weeks ago.) I couldn't wait to try them out. But first I had to wash them a few times. Needless to say it took all day and I didn't get to try them until this morning.

It was the first diaper change I've ever been really excited for. So far I really like it. Little Miss seems to as well. Either that or she hates it. How can I tell? She normally only poops once a day, today it was thrice. I hope she loves them because I don't plan on stopping any time soon.

Colic Time

Little Miss has colic. I feel like I shouldn't complain because I know some babies out there have it way worse than Little Miss. With a combination of gripe water, a flax seed lavender bag and Vick's baby rub I am able to combat the colic... a little. The last few nights during her normal 6-11pm colic time she has been pleasant. Today during her normal colic time she was in her swing watching little Monster running back and forth. She was giggling watching him and it was amazing. I couldn't believe that my baby girl who was normally a beast around that time was so happy. Giggling!! D and I tried not to talk about it. I think both of us feared she would turn into a fussy mess. But nope. The rest on the evening went on pleasantly. Then we went to bed and D fell asleep while I tried homework. 11 o'clock came and she started crying. She had just eaten, but being near my breast seemed to comfort her so I let her eat again. When she was done I burped her and laid her down in the co-sleeper. She started crying! BLERG!. So I used the trusty combination of gripe water, the rub and her bag. She is now soundly sleeping. I don't know which of those is actually effective, maybe it's a little of each. All I know is I'm not willing to stop any of those to find out. It'll be our little routine. Hopefully she outgrows it soon, Monster was never this bad. It really is true that every baby is different.