Where did I go wrong?

I'm feeling pretty stressed about little Z today. Yesterday he had speech therapy and it went great until the end. When it was time to clean up and say goodbye to H he had a melt down. We got in the car and he kicked Little Lady. We spent about 10 or so minutes in the parking garage trying to calm him down!

I feel like I just don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to get him the help he needs. He has play therapy and speech therapy. I've been calling ever so often trying to get him an assessment so I can get him in a preschool. I just don't know what more to do!

And to top that off I feel guilty. I don't know where everything went wrong. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to do everything I could.

I didn't smoke, drink or have caffeine while pregnant.

When he was born I breastfed until he was about 5 months.

I only gave him organic food until very recently. Even now he mostly eats organic.

I kept him away from BPA, phthalates and PVC as much as possible.

I stayed home with him so that we wouldn't have to send him to daycare.

I just tried to protect him from what I thought could be hazardous to him and his development mentally and physically.

I'm so frustrated. Z doesn't deserve this. He is a sweet boy despite it all. A happy kid and he just seems to really love life. But he has problems and I want to fix him and I can't do it. I can't make him all better.

Because of that every day is a challenge for everyone in this family. We have to worry about simple things like taking him to the grocery store or on walks. Or worry about what is going to happen if we tell him no.

I'm emotionally drained from this. I am so thankful that he only has a developmental delay instead of something like autism. I know it could be worse. But it could also be so much better. It doesn't matter that he isn't autistic, because people are constantly assuming he is anyways.

I hope that one day we will be able to look back on this and be proud that we were able to overcome this struggle. In the meantime I just need to keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

Is Two Twice the Work?

Monster was really acting up today. My final days of the quarter have really been tough on him. All my attention and D's attention has been focused on getting me to pass the quarter and on the Little Miss who is completely helpless. So today Monster = big stinker. In fact he did something that was very not cool, but led to a sweet event.

Let me explain. I was in the living room and D had both kids in the room watching the health care debate. All of a sudden I hear all three of them yelling and some stomping around. Turns out somehow Monster had gotten D's watch and for some reason or another threw it. The watch ended up hitting Little Miss in the chest, eliciting screams, which D said he was sure it was more from surprise than pain. So D put Monster in his crib and came back to comfort Little Miss. In I come after talking to Monster and Little Miss reached for me!!! D said he thought it was coincidence at first, but then she clung to me, and he was sure she was actually wanting me. It was just so amazing, my little girl reached out for me because she wanted ME!

It is just so surprising. I remember Monster was about her age when he started preferring me, but she is nothing like him I forgot. I was also formula feeding him about half the time at this age, and always just assumed that's why he was clinging to me. Little Miss and Monster (who from here on out may also be referred to as Z) are such different people and kids. They have completely different temperaments.

I remember Z was a mostly happy baby, but not too happy. But he had a temper. When he was mad, he was REALLY mad. Much like Z, Little Miss also has a temper. She lets you know when she is angry. But when she is happy she is really happy. Smiling, laughing and constantly cooing. I love changing her diaper just because it makes her so happy. She starts laughing and smiling and cooing like crazy. It's adorable. Z didn't coo too much at this age. He was an observer. Little Miss observes, but joins in on the conversation. I knew they would be different, but I guess I just didn't know what to expect. I also didn't expect them both to like each other so much.

I adore how much they like each other. If Z is in a full blown fit and we're at home I can usually distract him by getting his attention focused on Little Miss. And sometimes the reverse is true. Sometimes she'll sit wherever she is (our laps, the Bumbo, her swing or laying on the floor) and just watch Z run around. She'll smile and laugh as she watches him. It's times like that that really make the hard parts worth it. I feel confident that while there may be a few episodes like today's "watch" ordeal there will be many more pleasant times because of how much they seem to enjoy each other. And for that I feel so lucky. Maybe two won't be SO hard after all. :D