Kids

The kids have been sick this week, especially Little Lady. Up all night coughing, crying and a nose running down to her chin. Poor baby girl.

After she had a banana this morning she cried and went right back to bed. Slept for 3 hours and I took that time to clean.

I cleaned everything. I feel as if I'm trying to show the husband how much I do around here. Last ditch effort to not have to go to work. It's so hard to go back to work after not working for 4 years. I'm having tremendous anxiety about the whole situation. How is this going to be something normal for me?

I don't mind working, but I do a lot around here that it feels like only I can and will do. Like the scrubbing the bathroom spotless and washing sheets. Organizing, making appointments. If I go to work that is roughly 10-15 hours that those things are not getting done.

We'll see. Maybe the husband will actually step it up.

I'm writing all this because after a while of cleaning and my second shift at work coming up tomorrow I just don't know if I can do it.

Life

Life the last month or so has been really overwhelming. I feel as if I don't have a minute to step back and breath. Even when I actually do. I don't know how to utilize my time or how to keep it together. This quarter has been way too much for me to handle. And the husband wants to do this again next quarter.

What is going on that is causing us to be so busy? Well the hubs and I are both in school. He is/was working full time. The son is in school and has multiple appointments. I just got a job. Writing it down it doesn't sound like that much, but it really is. The hubs is home for an hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. He works 10 hours on those days, comes home and showers and then goes to school for 5 hours. Tuesday and Thursday I have 5 hours of class. I start my job tomorrow and I will be going in after work. Z has appointments and school throughout the week. Then Saturday and Sunday the hubs works another 10 hours each. All this time one of us is withe kids. It's a lot of back and forth. And then trying to find time to do school work? I just can't do it. I'm tired.

A lot of it is that I'm still depressed. I don't know if I ever have not been depressed. At least it certainly feels that way.

There are so many other things going on that I'm stressed about. Little Lady is going in for another speech therapy appointment in the beginning of March. One more thing to deal with.

Is it us as parents that suck? Are we failing our kids? Why is it that they have both had speech delays? Why is one of my kids autistic? I really have tried my absolute hardest. I have done everything I can for my kids. I have been here. D has worked two jobs for most of the kids life trying to support us. We don't get to go out and do most things people our age do, and we hardly complain about it. We work hard. D with an actual paying job and me with the kids. I just get so angry some times.

I really feel like we try hard and definitely harder than some parents and yet they have kids that are developmentally fine. It doesn't seem quite fair. We have really tried to be here and raise our kids ourselves.

What a downer I am tonight. I have a paper to work on, so I better hope to.