Kids

The kids have been sick this week, especially Little Lady. Up all night coughing, crying and a nose running down to her chin. Poor baby girl.

After she had a banana this morning she cried and went right back to bed. Slept for 3 hours and I took that time to clean.

I cleaned everything. I feel as if I'm trying to show the husband how much I do around here. Last ditch effort to not have to go to work. It's so hard to go back to work after not working for 4 years. I'm having tremendous anxiety about the whole situation. How is this going to be something normal for me?

I don't mind working, but I do a lot around here that it feels like only I can and will do. Like the scrubbing the bathroom spotless and washing sheets. Organizing, making appointments. If I go to work that is roughly 10-15 hours that those things are not getting done.

We'll see. Maybe the husband will actually step it up.

I'm writing all this because after a while of cleaning and my second shift at work coming up tomorrow I just don't know if I can do it.

Life

Life the last month or so has been really overwhelming. I feel as if I don't have a minute to step back and breath. Even when I actually do. I don't know how to utilize my time or how to keep it together. This quarter has been way too much for me to handle. And the husband wants to do this again next quarter.

What is going on that is causing us to be so busy? Well the hubs and I are both in school. He is/was working full time. The son is in school and has multiple appointments. I just got a job. Writing it down it doesn't sound like that much, but it really is. The hubs is home for an hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. He works 10 hours on those days, comes home and showers and then goes to school for 5 hours. Tuesday and Thursday I have 5 hours of class. I start my job tomorrow and I will be going in after work. Z has appointments and school throughout the week. Then Saturday and Sunday the hubs works another 10 hours each. All this time one of us is withe kids. It's a lot of back and forth. And then trying to find time to do school work? I just can't do it. I'm tired.

A lot of it is that I'm still depressed. I don't know if I ever have not been depressed. At least it certainly feels that way.

There are so many other things going on that I'm stressed about. Little Lady is going in for another speech therapy appointment in the beginning of March. One more thing to deal with.

Is it us as parents that suck? Are we failing our kids? Why is it that they have both had speech delays? Why is one of my kids autistic? I really have tried my absolute hardest. I have done everything I can for my kids. I have been here. D has worked two jobs for most of the kids life trying to support us. We don't get to go out and do most things people our age do, and we hardly complain about it. We work hard. D with an actual paying job and me with the kids. I just get so angry some times.

I really feel like we try hard and definitely harder than some parents and yet they have kids that are developmentally fine. It doesn't seem quite fair. We have really tried to be here and raise our kids ourselves.

What a downer I am tonight. I have a paper to work on, so I better hope to.

Overwhelming

Well 2010 has come to an end and 2011 is here. I'm not normally big into making a big deal out of a year change, but this year feels slightly different. A little recap.

In the beginning of 2010 we had a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old. Husband was working two jobs and I went back to school for 10 credits online. We were planning a move, we just didn't know when or where. Around April I decided not to go back to school, we took Z to the doctor, got him an appointment with a psychologist and then a speech therapist, we found a place to move and moved, D quit one of his two jobs and then started another. July Z turned 3. August Z was diagnosed with Autism, D turned 25 and quit one of his jobs without having another. September Z starts going to school. October is our 3rd marriage anniversary, D and I decided we are both going back to school. November Z is FINALLY ready to be potty trained and we spent the next month working on it with him! Little Lady turned ONE in December and then there was the whole Christmas and family thing.

It feels like a busy year. 4 1/2 months after Z's Autism diagnosis I went to see the pediatrician. We discussed additional therapies for Z and possible genetic testing. Z's selective eating disorder has gotten worse and we have an appointment early February for him to see a speech therapist that specializes in eating. We also have a referral for OT and PT for him to manage coping behaviors and maybe work on some of his fine motor skills. School is helping him with his social skills and he really has fun there. Overall I feel like he is doing really well.

Often when some people meet him and they find out that he has autism they are like, "Really?!" Or something along those lines. I know it's supposed to be a compliment, but it kind of irritates me. It's completely irrational, but when they say that he doesn't seem Autistic I feel as if they are accusing me of lying. Trying to find an excuse or something. I know this is crazy which is why I quickly squash that feeling. I know there are times where he seems VERY Autistic. I also remind myself that the psychologist was the one who determined it after spending time with Z.

There is so much going on in our lives right now. School for Z, speech therapy for Z, possibly starting new therapies for Z, D is starting school on Monday, I am starting school on Tuesday and D is still working full time.

Our schedule will look something like D: S,S,M,W work from 5am to 3pm. M,W school from 5pm to 10pm. I will have school T,TH 10am to 2:30pm. Z has school M-Th 8:45-11:45 and T Speech at 1:30. Sprinkle in other appointments and study time and we are a busy family this next quarter.

2011 will hopefully be the year that D and I get our stuff together. Hopefully he does well in school and can find a good job coming out of it. Hopefully I graduate with my AA next quarter and can get accepted into UW. Hopefully we can keep our kids happy and safe. I hope to be a better mom and also to learn to cook a little bit better. I want to make a friend or two that doesn't mind hanging out with me, kids and all! And most of all I just want a freaking mani-pedi! I guess it's my fault for not telling anyone, but all I really wanted for Christmas was some pampering. A manicure and pedicure for sure, maybe a nice haircut and an eyebrow wax. Maybe this year? Who knows.

I hope this year holds many new things for us. I hope that all the chaos of next quarter will pay off in the end.

It's been awhile

I don't know where I left off last, I know I could check, but I have few precious minutes to type now.

I am pretty sure I have blogged since little man turned 3 and was soon after diagnosed with Autism. Little Lady is still tiny, but making a lot of progress. Took her first steps not too long ago and now we are trying to coax her into actually walking. She is babbling and starting to say Mama to just about everyone. But when you say Dada or Mama she looks at the correct parent. She seems on target developmentally, but after Z it's hard to be at ease.

Z started Developmental Preschool and is making friends and loves it there! He can't wait to go most days and it's a great break for me and the little one. Another great update with Z is that when we started Speech Therapy in late April he was basically considered non-verbal. She was not able to finish the evaluation on him and he was hardly talking. She tested him again in September and he was at the 50th percentile for his age. He's talking a lot more and we are understanding what he says more. He hasn't been in occupational therapy since this summer. The school doesn't think he needs it right now, but I may get some OT for him outside the school. It seemed beneficial when we were doing it.

We are still cloth diapering for the most part. While I am quick to grab for a disposable (yes we still buy those vile things :) ) the husband will pretty much always grab for cloth. If only I could be more motivated. Then again I do make almost all the Little Lady's food from scratch, and she eats A LOT.

I miss updating more often. My computer broke and since we don't have the money to fix or replace it I've been using my iPhone and occasionally the husbands computer. I will try to get on here more because it sure feels nice to write again.

6 Months

My Little Lady is 6 months today! While it feels as if we've had her forever, I also can't believe how time has flown.

I remember holding her for the first time, just moments after she was born, and feeling like my family was complete. I have my husband, my beautiful, special son and my angelic daughter.

My mom often told me I was her pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, or something equally sweet but cheesy. My mom had 4 kids, I was the last. Two of my older siblings were particularly challenging. According to my mom I rarely cried. I was easy going and just a pleasant baby and child. Well Little Lady is to me what I was to my mom.

Kind of.

Little Lady likes to be held. A LOT. She gets upset being put down. Not to mention she still isn't sleeping through the night regularly. But it is all worth it. Just looking at her can make me feel better.

And when I feel like I want another kid? Morning comes and the kids wake up and then I realize I couldn't handle another. But damnit I love the ones I have!

Little Lady

I realize I've been talking about little Z a lot lately. So now it's Little Lady's turn!

Little Lady is 5 months today. It's so funny how time goes by. While I feel like she's been here forever it's also hard to imagine that it's been 5 months already.

Little Lady has been doing great. She was weighed about 2 weeks ago and she weighed about 12 1/2 pounds. She's still exclusively breastfed and petite.

She was rolling back and forth last night for the first time. It's so cute when she is on her tummy and she's trying so hard to crawl and get something, but she rolls over because she can't crawl. Normally once she rolls on her back she's stuck but last night she finally made it back to her tummy!

It is so amazing to watch the things that she does every day... Hell, every hour!

The other day she was playing fire trucks with her brother. He didn't really want to play with her, but he tolerated it. She couldn't do much more than kind of pull the fire truck back and forth and try to eat it, but she seemed to have fun playing with Z.

She is still sleeping in her bedside co-sleeper. Though she thinks that our bed is her bed. I've given up and let her take naps in our bed. Last night she didn't wake us up so she could eat and get in our bed. She has phases of sleeping through the night and not sleeping through the night.

Another cute little thing she is she seems to know that when I pull my boob out food is coming. Sometimes D will bring her to me when she's hungry, she'll see me pulling my boob out and stop crying. She'll just sit there and stare, as long as it doesn't take too long!

All in all she is happy and healthy and a complete joy. I just love having her! I can't believe it's only been 5 months.

Where did I go wrong?

I'm feeling pretty stressed about little Z today. Yesterday he had speech therapy and it went great until the end. When it was time to clean up and say goodbye to H he had a melt down. We got in the car and he kicked Little Lady. We spent about 10 or so minutes in the parking garage trying to calm him down!

I feel like I just don't know what to do anymore. I am trying to get him the help he needs. He has play therapy and speech therapy. I've been calling ever so often trying to get him an assessment so I can get him in a preschool. I just don't know what more to do!

And to top that off I feel guilty. I don't know where everything went wrong. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried to do everything I could.

I didn't smoke, drink or have caffeine while pregnant.

When he was born I breastfed until he was about 5 months.

I only gave him organic food until very recently. Even now he mostly eats organic.

I kept him away from BPA, phthalates and PVC as much as possible.

I stayed home with him so that we wouldn't have to send him to daycare.

I just tried to protect him from what I thought could be hazardous to him and his development mentally and physically.

I'm so frustrated. Z doesn't deserve this. He is a sweet boy despite it all. A happy kid and he just seems to really love life. But he has problems and I want to fix him and I can't do it. I can't make him all better.

Because of that every day is a challenge for everyone in this family. We have to worry about simple things like taking him to the grocery store or on walks. Or worry about what is going to happen if we tell him no.

I'm emotionally drained from this. I am so thankful that he only has a developmental delay instead of something like autism. I know it could be worse. But it could also be so much better. It doesn't matter that he isn't autistic, because people are constantly assuming he is anyways.

I hope that one day we will be able to look back on this and be proud that we were able to overcome this struggle. In the meantime I just need to keep taking it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.