Kids

The kids have been sick this week, especially Little Lady. Up all night coughing, crying and a nose running down to her chin. Poor baby girl.

After she had a banana this morning she cried and went right back to bed. Slept for 3 hours and I took that time to clean.

I cleaned everything. I feel as if I'm trying to show the husband how much I do around here. Last ditch effort to not have to go to work. It's so hard to go back to work after not working for 4 years. I'm having tremendous anxiety about the whole situation. How is this going to be something normal for me?

I don't mind working, but I do a lot around here that it feels like only I can and will do. Like the scrubbing the bathroom spotless and washing sheets. Organizing, making appointments. If I go to work that is roughly 10-15 hours that those things are not getting done.

We'll see. Maybe the husband will actually step it up.

I'm writing all this because after a while of cleaning and my second shift at work coming up tomorrow I just don't know if I can do it.

Life

Life the last month or so has been really overwhelming. I feel as if I don't have a minute to step back and breath. Even when I actually do. I don't know how to utilize my time or how to keep it together. This quarter has been way too much for me to handle. And the husband wants to do this again next quarter.

What is going on that is causing us to be so busy? Well the hubs and I are both in school. He is/was working full time. The son is in school and has multiple appointments. I just got a job. Writing it down it doesn't sound like that much, but it really is. The hubs is home for an hour on Mondays and Wednesdays. He works 10 hours on those days, comes home and showers and then goes to school for 5 hours. Tuesday and Thursday I have 5 hours of class. I start my job tomorrow and I will be going in after work. Z has appointments and school throughout the week. Then Saturday and Sunday the hubs works another 10 hours each. All this time one of us is withe kids. It's a lot of back and forth. And then trying to find time to do school work? I just can't do it. I'm tired.

A lot of it is that I'm still depressed. I don't know if I ever have not been depressed. At least it certainly feels that way.

There are so many other things going on that I'm stressed about. Little Lady is going in for another speech therapy appointment in the beginning of March. One more thing to deal with.

Is it us as parents that suck? Are we failing our kids? Why is it that they have both had speech delays? Why is one of my kids autistic? I really have tried my absolute hardest. I have done everything I can for my kids. I have been here. D has worked two jobs for most of the kids life trying to support us. We don't get to go out and do most things people our age do, and we hardly complain about it. We work hard. D with an actual paying job and me with the kids. I just get so angry some times.

I really feel like we try hard and definitely harder than some parents and yet they have kids that are developmentally fine. It doesn't seem quite fair. We have really tried to be here and raise our kids ourselves.

What a downer I am tonight. I have a paper to work on, so I better hope to.

Overwhelming

Well 2010 has come to an end and 2011 is here. I'm not normally big into making a big deal out of a year change, but this year feels slightly different. A little recap.

In the beginning of 2010 we had a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old. Husband was working two jobs and I went back to school for 10 credits online. We were planning a move, we just didn't know when or where. Around April I decided not to go back to school, we took Z to the doctor, got him an appointment with a psychologist and then a speech therapist, we found a place to move and moved, D quit one of his two jobs and then started another. July Z turned 3. August Z was diagnosed with Autism, D turned 25 and quit one of his jobs without having another. September Z starts going to school. October is our 3rd marriage anniversary, D and I decided we are both going back to school. November Z is FINALLY ready to be potty trained and we spent the next month working on it with him! Little Lady turned ONE in December and then there was the whole Christmas and family thing.

It feels like a busy year. 4 1/2 months after Z's Autism diagnosis I went to see the pediatrician. We discussed additional therapies for Z and possible genetic testing. Z's selective eating disorder has gotten worse and we have an appointment early February for him to see a speech therapist that specializes in eating. We also have a referral for OT and PT for him to manage coping behaviors and maybe work on some of his fine motor skills. School is helping him with his social skills and he really has fun there. Overall I feel like he is doing really well.

Often when some people meet him and they find out that he has autism they are like, "Really?!" Or something along those lines. I know it's supposed to be a compliment, but it kind of irritates me. It's completely irrational, but when they say that he doesn't seem Autistic I feel as if they are accusing me of lying. Trying to find an excuse or something. I know this is crazy which is why I quickly squash that feeling. I know there are times where he seems VERY Autistic. I also remind myself that the psychologist was the one who determined it after spending time with Z.

There is so much going on in our lives right now. School for Z, speech therapy for Z, possibly starting new therapies for Z, D is starting school on Monday, I am starting school on Tuesday and D is still working full time.

Our schedule will look something like D: S,S,M,W work from 5am to 3pm. M,W school from 5pm to 10pm. I will have school T,TH 10am to 2:30pm. Z has school M-Th 8:45-11:45 and T Speech at 1:30. Sprinkle in other appointments and study time and we are a busy family this next quarter.

2011 will hopefully be the year that D and I get our stuff together. Hopefully he does well in school and can find a good job coming out of it. Hopefully I graduate with my AA next quarter and can get accepted into UW. Hopefully we can keep our kids happy and safe. I hope to be a better mom and also to learn to cook a little bit better. I want to make a friend or two that doesn't mind hanging out with me, kids and all! And most of all I just want a freaking mani-pedi! I guess it's my fault for not telling anyone, but all I really wanted for Christmas was some pampering. A manicure and pedicure for sure, maybe a nice haircut and an eyebrow wax. Maybe this year? Who knows.

I hope this year holds many new things for us. I hope that all the chaos of next quarter will pay off in the end.